TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, town historically recognized for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully out of spot. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, sure, let us have Yet another area where American Guys can don robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: provide Every person a collection within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he really should stop working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the venture, replied, "You already know, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior folks. Good tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head seen from Room, a function getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after obtaining the making's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It's not only unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "When you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting awareness from international investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll obtain 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will likely involve:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to find out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort in which my PTSD may have convert-down company."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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